Wednesday, March 22, 2006

"Panic Button"
8:42pm

Strange that last Thursday's entry was "Nervous Driver". If we had known in just what bad shape our poor car was in, the driver might have been even more nervous. When Julia took it for an oil change, the oil changer noticed a severe leak and recommended we get it checked out. Severe, yes, indeed, for the shop found many leaks, in several areas. It is so bad, it is not safe to drive. Uncertain of just how long it will take to fix it, we've rented a car.

This car is so complete, it even comes with its own PANIC button!

The blue Dodge Neon is so easy to handle, accelerates quickly, steers easily, I'm not sure our refurbished car will ever compare. It certainly doesn't have a 'panic' button. Sometimes, I need one, too. (Seriously, I'm not sure what happens if I push that button.) Maybe I should read the manual.

Meanwhile, this evening I played around some more with my Set animal image, trying to make him look 'charged with energy':

Set's Mighty Howl...

Thursday, March 23, 2006 A

"Panic Button II"
5:37am

I wake early with a bit of anxiety. I think its hormonal. I should start my period today.

It seems these past days have been such anxious ones. For one reason or the other, I've dealt with various sorts of moodiness. Most days I overcome my mood, but not without a bit of attitudinal work. I examine the source of my troubles, and find something I don't like to look at - 'Ego'. Silly Satanists to worship THAT! They simply have not examined themselves closely enough to realise that 'Ego' ISN'T one's 'divine' aspects, far from it. Every self pitying thing, every 'look-at-me', 'don't look at me', every small and petty thing comes from 'Ego', the 'external considering turned inside out - internal considering' of which Gurdjieff speaks. 'Pride' doesn't equal 'ego'. Pride is a healthy thing that wells up from within, and doesn't need external props to hold it up. The trouble is when we look to external sources for affirmation. Yet sometimes I do. For instance, I read the horoscope. (I know some don't, maybe they are less 'superstitious' than me.) Meanwhile, if I'm feeling the least bit anxious or off, I read the horoscope:

March 23, 2006
DEEP MATURATION PROCESS
(Saturn conjunct Moon )

"Your feelings are being tested. During the examination process you may feel a sense of loneness, distance and separation. A big part of the test is a project that you must build for the future.

It's time to exercise your authority and build for your future. Start by working on your attitude. The foundation you lay now can pay dividends and interest for many years to come. To secure the present, free your emotions from the past. In many ways this is a time for silent work and a going within."

Fortunately, this horoscope is better than most out there, and often gives good advice. So I 'deep breathe', and try to remain calm. That is first step. Then check what I'm thinking about, as 'emotions follow thoughts'. 'Return to the center' is my mantra. 'Going within', the horoscope says. Same thing. The only place I can find strength is within. Deep breathe, recognize the worries are temporary. The moods are temporary. What is 'not temporary', that's the direction I will turn my thoughts.

Returning to the Center, I embrace Darkness and Darkness embraces me. With a deep breath, I return to the Center and embrace Darkness. A calm quietness enfolds me. I enjoy the sensuous sense of being alive. I breathe deeply and drink in rich energy. I breathe it into my pores and enjoy the reviving feeling. I breathe slowly and deeply, slowing my heart rate, relaxing all muscles. With each deep breath, I return to the Center and embrace Darkness. I enjoy the sensuous sense of being alive. JAL, 6-14-03

I breathe, and find the 'eye' of my own emotional storm. I breathe, and in this quiet place find strength. The storms will pass, they are temporary. But the strength remains and grows stronger.

Thursday, March 23, 2006 B

"Inner Critic"
8:21pm

The 52 Figment for this week is "Draw your inner critic." At first I didn't know if this is an objective observer with intent to aid my personal growth, or a relentless priggish bitch. However, after the initial pen drawing, I knew:

"I don't like this nasty fellow AT ALL!"

Mid process of coloring the venomous ugly thing, I felt compelled to tell it:
"You don't have my interests at heart, only how I appear to the community. You are vain in a way that is not good. You are not my master. You will NOT be driving the 'machine' of me. OUT!You and your crappy co-hort Ego, OUT! You will be put in the back seat, and I will tape your mouths shut. I am in control. That divine part of me which has my own interests at heart, and my growth as a person, that 'me', that is who is running this ship!"

Saturday, March 25, 2006 A

"Annoyed?"
7:17am

I wake full of thoughts. After our meal at Crossing, we went to the grocery store last night. While walking through the parking lot, I spied a bumper sticker which said, "ANNOY A LIBERAL: Have a job, be a success, be happy." I commented about it at the time to Julia, but it's still in my craw. The whole mind set that liberals are lazy and miserable annoys me. The idea that liberals want everyone else to be miserable annoys me, too. I have a job. I am a contributing member of society. I perform a task that few can do these days and I do it well. At least that's what the customers tell me, who are happy with the garments I alter for them. Okay, I don't make much money doing it.

Nevertheless, I consider myself a success. I am always trying to stretch my creative abilities, always trying to keep busy expressing this aspect of myself. Okay, I'm not getting rich doing this. I'm not having art shows and publishing books. Not that I don't want someday to do those things, but in the mind of the 'non-liberal', this is how they view success. If you aren't doing something that leads to a possibility of wealth, you can't be a success.

That's not how I define 'success'. I am happy. Never mind the occasional bouts of moodiness. They pass. I am happy. That's why I am successful. I am not rich. I am not famous. But I am happy. Any annoyances to the 'non-liberal' mind is on their own head. Erm, IN their own head.

We each create, we each are responsible for our own happiness. No one else's. We may, by fighting injustice, create a world in which happiness is more likely to occur. But the happiness itself is the responsibility of the individual.

Saturday, March 25, 2006 B

"Appealing Peel"
12:01pm

After I finished my banana, I was fascinated with the the curves of its peel:

Somewhere, in the intersection of these three images, is the truth of how I saw that banana peel!

Saturday, March 25, 2006 C

"Watching"
9:35pm

Maybe some of my movie watching got into this!

Sunday, March 26, 2006 A

"Cycle of Destruction and Creation?"
10:22am

The view I found when I rolled my laundry basket out to the laundry room this morning...

I'm not complaining, for some people have not had hot water for four weeks!

Sunday, March 26, 2006 B

"After a Busy Day"
8:18pm

The original drawing...

I am weary, but satisfied. I created a new Set image and rearranged the Set gallery to better display my images. The old chronological all in a centered string didn't work so well any more. Most of the better images were at the bottom!

Monday, March 27, 2006

"Quick Dragon Sketch"
9:50pm

Surveying the kingdom from afar...

I have to admit I got inspired by a lovely dragon statue seen at A L E T H E I A. (Yes, I did alter him somewhat to have the 'Set ears', a mane of red hair and that long forked tail!

You know, I like this quick little sketch at least as well, maybe more, than the Set animals I've drawn. There's a lot of vitality, like he could just leap off that cliff and go bounding.

Now I will try to go to bed now. I must arise early to take care of the blankity blank no blinkity blink turn signals on the car. (No, they didn't get everything fixed on the car, this is still not working...)

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