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I came home from work all determined to tackle the huge pile on the table behind my computer area. This determination rapidly dwindled away. I did sift through the catalogs and plea mail. I now have so many address labels, 'gifts' from organizations hoping for donations, they will last me the next five years. And I find more each time I visit the PO Box. I cannot ever move.
Not that I had plans, really. But life has a way of unseating your plans.
Where was I? The Christmas cards, which aren't being finished.
They aren't going to be finished tonight. I also had hopes of a better journal entry tonight. That isn't happening, either.
Thursday, December 15, 2005
"Looking Back"
9:34pm
"Holidailies 2005"
Needing something to write about, I'll steal a page from Lorianne's Hoarded Ordinaries by posting the first sentence from the first post from each month this year.
January 1, 2005
"I tell about the image above in my other journal. It is an amulet of protection, a fitting thing to begin the new year."
February 6,2005
"Gray skies and a mild chill in the air was actually rather pleasant as I dragged the rolling laundry bin to the washroom."
March 3,2005
"The weather's getting warmer. We don't need the heat on at night."
April 2, 2005
"Julia and I worked hard last night to fix the closet pole problem."
May 7, 2005
"That's the Discovery channel's motto - "Entertain Your Brain". We certainly will be doing that."
June 1, 2005
"I was answering someone who said they felt no attraction to New York City, because of their lack of tolerance for huge populations of people"
July 2, 2005
"Feeling mildly glum, I found myself pleasantly distracted by observing the delicate form of Julia's favorite teapot:
August 1, 2005
"Lovely evening. I napped 'til time to get Julia, and woke just at 4:51pm, perfect timing to pee and run."
September 2, 2005
"The news reports continue to pile in about the dreadful conditions in the southeast."
October 2, 2005
"I didn't leave the bed immediately after my dream."
November 4, 2005
"Work is at a fever pitch of busyness."
December 4, 2005
"Without comment, I leave a few pictures of a transplanted Egypt:"
In that fair sampling, I have a good mix of the mundane things of weather and work, and not so mundane things of travel, dreams and art. Yes, once again I come to the conclusion that 2005 has been a good year. I hope it has been for you, as well. In any case, may 2006 be better still.
Friday, December 1', 2005 A
"Depth of Field"
3:38am
"Holidailies 2005"
I learned something from the Photo Friday challenge. The theme is 'Depth of Field', and I had to look that up to see what it is. It is an aspect which can be controlled more precisely with a sophisticated camera. Basically, close up views of an object will tend to be 'nearsighted', with objects behind the focus item more fuzzy. Long distance views, such as in a landscape panorama, will tend to be 'farsighted', with a great depth of field.
I chose an old favorite of mine to share with the other Friday photographers:
I took it as much as ten years ago with a little 33mm point and shooter when Laura, Julia and I visited Lake Havasu City. I can't remember well, it might have even been with the little 110 camera. But I like the scene. To me, the sense of depth is enhanced by the perspective of the bridge receding into the distance.
I find myself in a thoughtful mood this early morning. Perhaps I am taking the 'long range view' today. I am thinking about the grieving process. A fellow journaller is concerned because her daughter who lost a spouse hasn't 'done all her grieving'. Having been there, I have some idea of what a complicated process this is. I would say in retrospect we are never 'DONE' with grieving. It just gets easier with time. When Laura's death was recent, there was a huge Laura shaped hole in my heart. More than three years later, there is still a Laura shaped hole in my heart, it just doesn't hurt as much.
Still, I remember that early raw ache, the immensity of the hurt. There's no way one can ever be prepared for it.
On TV the other day, someone interviewed the wife of Peter Jennings, and asked her if it hurt to look at the old videos of him doing the news, etc. She said it never hurt. I addressed the TV and my co-worker, confirming it would not be a 'hurt', but be a comfort to see them. It's always a comfort to me to look at the pictures of Laura and see her smiling face.
I look back into the depths of time, and my memory of her (and of others who have passed on), stands out distinctly against the foggy background. No, I am not 'done with the grieving process'. I won't ever be 'done'.
And I wouldn't want to be.
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