Saturday, July 28, 2007 "Jewel" 11:14am I think this may have been inspired by seeing a Silver Garnet Vesica Pendant. I saw many things at that web store which I want, but I will wait until next week, after I get paid. For, as Julia just now said, "ultimately we must reach a point where our outflow must be less than our inflow..." We're kind of low in resource, since we spent 102 bucks on replacing a much needed UPS box for her computer, which also has the DSL 'modem' and router box attached to it. Those boxes, so necessary in Yuma with its wildly fluctuating electric current, have only a life span of about three years to them. Thus it was, this week, each day we came home to find our web connection had been severed. And we cannot bear to be severed from the web! Sunday, July 29, 2007 "Keeper of my Gates" 7:34am I read the following poem meditation out loud to Julia, to gauge her reaction. It didn't seem incomphrensible to her, she was able to relate to it. So I dared putting it in the pathmark journal: It is a free association stream of consciousness meditation... I Am the Keeper of my Gates I am sitting on a beach, facing an ocean... crosslegged as I am now. The secret flame is within, and I am warmed by it. My hands run through the sand, and I cannot grasp all those tiny seeds. Spirit within, guide me to what I should grasp! Say, this, take within, and learn! This, turn around and observe, and learn! This, put down, and settle! Sort, sort, sort... I am the keeper of my own gates. I open the gate to the Dark Lord, let him in... I set out a bowl for the Light Lord, with promise that I might understand his ways. I spoke to the one that answers to both, and encouraged him to become more real. Dance is waiting in the halls. I did not come by foot. I came by winged imagination. I came, but I stayed, and the Dark Lord stayed, and the one that answers to both promised to return. I held a coin from him. The unseen fire is from Set. The seen fire, now that is visible and announces its own glory. But I stand in the shadows. I stand in the shadows, I sit in the cave, I see the moon... I eat the moon. How has it become part of me? I took it in, and now it is with me. Every thing I have seen, have heard, have felt, is part of me. And this moment now, part of me, handed to the next moment, part of me, handed to the next... Sort, sort, sort... I am the keeper of my own gates... JAL, 7-28-07 "Secret Flame", "Unseen Fire" = Black Flame "Spirit within" = Higher Self "Dark Lord" = Set, (also represents 'Rulership in the Inner World') "Light Lord" = Horus, (also represents 'Rulership in the Outer World') "Seen Fire" = represents that which is of Horus, in his Ra-Horakhty aspect "One that answers to both" = Thoth, who reconciles the two Lords "A coin", 'the moon' = the moon, when full, both are round, the 'coin' could represent Thoth in his lunar aspect. The full moon (which happens to have occurred last night and tonight) 'goes away', but 'returns'. It may be a sort of 'mysticism', a consciousness worshipping mysticism, but hopefully it is not so entirely subjective that less than few can relate. Later this morning, I wasn't paying attention to the TV, but Julia kept me informed of what it said: "Time is the ultimate currency," you heard it from the experts." (via CBS Sunday Morning show). They were featuring some time management coach, if I remember right. Thoth, besides having his lunar aspect, is said to be the god of Time, having invented these divisions of days. So the 'coin' could also represent time, and how we spend it. There's a 'sort, sort, sort' process there as well. But that reflection I would realize later, for at the moment, I was busy trying to find out if the bug I killed earlier was a cockroach or a cricket. I don't want to kill crickets, I like their music. But I sure as heck don't want cockroaches invading our home. So I didn't have much time to think. I called Julia into the bathroom, "Cockroach or cricket?" I asked her. I figured since she's so knowledgeable about everything, she would know. She seemed to think it was roach rather than crick, so I smushed and flushed. Afterwards, I went to Wikipedia to sort it out. I'm still not entirely certain whether it looked more like cricket or cockroach. But I am 'keeper of our gates', and I don't want roaches! Another odd bit of knowledge via the TV. In medieval times, people did not use forks, because they reminded people of the 'devil's pitch fork'. I at first thought, "So there they were, unwashed, using their dirty hands to eat food!" But a little net search reveals this is a myth, that although they might not have been as clean as most of us are today, they did wash, and that not bathing was regarded as 'a penance'. A penance that makes not only the penitant, but the noses of those around him suffer? I hope we never de-evolve to such depths again. Tuesday, July 31, 2007 A "A Space for Grief" 4:52am The air is hot, but fresh. We are experimenting with no AC at night, just in case the contrasts between hot and cold were affecting my ears. (I've had a return of the ear infection. Who knew those pesky little Eustachian tubes could drain so much mucus?) At least it is not as painful as a sinus infection. Meanwhile the house is hot and I drink as much water as I can in order to flush the poisons out. I woke, though, not on account of the infection or the heat, but thoughts. I looked at the calender the other day, and the number '31' brought frightening and sad emotions to me. Why, why, is that date so loaded? Then I remembered, five years ago, that date, I was in a hospital with my life partner Laura all hooked up to long plastic tubes coming from various machines, knowing she was fighting a battle her body could not win, knowing I had to release her spirit. And so I did. I spoke out loud, using words we'd used in Wiccan circles to dismiss the spirits, "Go if you must, stay if you will," promising that I would always remember her as a brave warrior. And yes, memories of her speak to me now. Sometimes it seems she inhabits her photos for a moment, smiling from the Beyond to say, "I love you, I'm proud of you." And for me, she was my first teacher. She challenged me often, in all kinds of ways. I miss her, I always will. But the love that we had cannot die. It is there within me, given life as I remember it. As I found the link to five years ago in my journal, I found Laura's Final Word. She exhorts, "Come, live life to the fullest, take the risks to learn who you really are, and from that risk taking you will arise a stronger, better, more able human being in love with life and with one another ... and maybe, if I am lucky, you will love me a little too." Oh, Laura! People who have never met you will return that love! Teacher, indeed, she was! As I remember Laura this day, I contemplate a program we saw last night, and understand it better than I did then. We saw the last show in a series about art: Simon Schama's 'Power of Art'.. It was about an artist whose art I've not liked, but hated in fact. Mark Rothko. His 'color field' paintings seemed devoid of subject to me. However, they move Simon Schama, and I found out why. I know now more about the artist's intent. He felt the world was full of horrors and he wanted to communicate his sense of oppression, of sadness to his viewers. Basically, each painting exists as a space for the viewer to have the quietness to experience these things. The modern world is too full of busy-busy, rush-rush. He wanted to offer an alternative to that. By the show's end, when they showed the red and black paintings, yes, I could feel these emotions when looking at them, palpable. This artist shot himself, he did, so great was his feeling of horror over things. He didn't think in a world which had such terrible things in its history as the Holocaust that pretty paintings of flowers and beautiful women were a proper response. I still do not like his art. But what can I learn from it? That color itself can have this intense presence. Oh, yes, I know well color as contributing to the balance and harmony of a composition, and the sense of 'push-pull', as another modern artist Hoffman had done, and the sense of depth period, and of course, mood. But just the savage power of color itself. Yes, I can learn from that. And maybe there's a power to the hand crafted and colored work that digitally colored pieces will never have. The rawness of the color that doesn't keep to sharp edged borders can communicate more explosively and vividly. Digital colorations may have a more cerebral, calmer effect. So I must ask myself what is best for each piece, what is its goal, raw emotion or serene contemplation. Yes, I can learn from Rothko. Also this morning, now I see another reason for his art being acclaimed. Sometimes we need the quiet space for grief. And that's what Rothko attempted to give us, as we sit in the chamber with his paintings. I don't want to stay there, however. But from time to time, it is good to find this space of reflection, give thought and allow emotions for the sad things of life. But as spring follows winter, the cycles of life go on. There are periods of horrible atrocities, but then there are periods of great heroism. The trajedies need not defeat us, for we can find within ourselves an inner strength, and then ever afterwards possess a deeper wisdom. It is always the transformative process to which I wish to aim my focus. Xeper! Tuesday, July 31, 2007 B "ROME" 9:47pm We've been rediscovering Blockbuster's and the inexpensive rental DVD. Thus it was that I discovered the HBO/BBC ROME series there. We've enjoyed this close look at the time and place. For the most part, it is historically accurate, though they did fictionalize some of the characters a bit. To give it a true Roman flavor, besides hiring historical experts, they filmed it in Rome, and hired modern Romans to take the bit parts. Happy, we are, for I've learned the second season of this epic will be available one week from today. The characters are fascinating, and there's more than one I'd like to draw. For now, here is Julius Caesar: Friday, August 3, 2007 "WET!" 1:39am The Photo Friday theme this week is WET. Immediately I thought of a young man playfully experiencing the possible wetness a fountain can give. So I gave link to Seattle's International fountain, which I saw last September. That is probably the 'wettest' picture I have, although others I took that day also count. Then I got the notion to look at photos from our recent Washington D.C. trip, and found a 'wet' one from the Hirschhorn's Sculpture Garden:

Unfortunately I have no idea who did that playful sculpture. A search at the museum's website only turns up a small view of it in winter but with no artist credit. I feel a desire to run and play in some fountain, somewhere. Perhaps this weekend we will at least get out for a bit of fresh air. When the sun goes down, the heat isn't so bad. I don't want to be WET with SWEAT! Saturday, August 4, 2007 "'I'm Already King!'" 6:22pm The title of today's piece is from an interview with Walt Disney, which I'll discuss later. Meanwhile, as I did yesterday's journal entry, and scanned through this section's postings from July 28th onward, I read the poem again, and then saw the portrait of Julius Caesar, seeing new things in it: Julius Caesar (as portrayed by Ciarán Hind in ROME) He has a sad face, filled with a sense of predestination, like he knew he was gonna be killed. This isn't that surprising, for history reveals people killed each other with extreme regularity back then. Perhaps it was the lead in their fancy dinnerware? I related this thought back to earlier mentioned concepts of 'rulership in the inner world' and 'rulership in the outer world'. I'm going to quote a couple of paragraphs from Don Webb's _Essential Guide to the Left Hand Path_ to explain those concepts further: "Rulership of the Inner World means a sense of reality and purpose in what one does. We have all had those moments of power, of knowing that we are alive, and that the world is meaningful. They are rare moments and usually we attribute them to an external trigger, perhaps even a mysterious or divine source. When we discover that we can have those moments _at will_, then we have begun the lifelong task of Rulership of the Inner World. The magical name of this task is the Quest for Meaning. Rulership of the Outer World When we have the first task well in hand, we are ready to remanifest its results in our lives. To rule the outer world, we have to know what we like, and what we have decided is good for us. We have to decide what we are willing to give up in terms of freedom and what we must sacrifice for gain later." (page 4) To me, this means real world accomplishments that we can point to. The first realm is the realm of the unseen potential. The second is things that can be seen by the 'light of day', ie 'Horus's realm'. I thought about Julius Caesar, at first as symbol of 'rulership in the outer world', because, after all, he was a RULER. Supposedly to get there, he had to know what to give up in order to get that position. But things did not go well for him, for then he becomes a symbol of absolute NON rulership in the outer world. When a jury of your peers is ramming you through with spears, perhaps SOMETHING didn't go right? I suspect it had mostly to do with that 'dictatorship' thing. Dictators are rarely loved by the people. As I consider Julius' life, it makes me more content to just be a humble seamstress and unknown artist, (though more payola would always be welcome...) Meanwhile, I do try to determine 'what is good for me'. I like always stretching my mind to learn new things. I had an opportunity to do so today. Julia wanted to go to the library. So keen she was, she went armed with a list of her favorite authors so that she could track down their books. I found myself seated on the roll about step stool, so I could view the DVD offerings that were on the library's lower shelves. I found four interesting ones. After a yummy meal of pizza and spinach ravioli at Ciao Bella, we went home and saw _Walt, the Man Behind the Myth_. I was curious about Walt Disney, whose vast realm of works he initiated have brought joy to so many. The movie is a fascinating and intimate look at the man, by the people who knew him best, who were his family members and co-workers. As it played, I took note of the scene section in which Walt was laughing. After the movie was over, I went back to that spot and paused it so I could sketch him: I hope I've captured his sense of complete exuberance. Further on in the movie, I paused it to take down the words of Ray Bradbury, who said of Walt: "People often say to me, and I'm sure they said to Walt, 'Are you an optimist?' I say no, I'm not an optimist, I'm an optimal behaviorist. Which means behaving at the top of your energy, and that was Walt Disney. He behaved every day to the top of his energy and that makes a feeling of optimism." When one does that, it certainly does. Walt never gave up, he always kept pushing his boundaries to try new things, to attempt things no one else had ever done. He had so many realms in which he worked, first the cartoons, then the movies, then the theme parks. As I searched for the concept of 'optimal behaviorist' on the web, I found Ray Bradbury again, this time in a foreward to a book about Walt, called _Remembering Walt_. He got to meet with Walt Disney, and they discussed many things: "So here I was at last meeting Walt and talking with him! We discussed rapid transit because I had formed a group called PRIME: Promote Rapid Transit Improve Metropolitan Environment. Rapid transit was dying in Los Angeles. They'd eliminated all the street cars--stupid. I told Walt about my group and how I was trying to improve Los Angeles, which was hopeless. I said, "Walt, I wish you would run for mayor." 'Ray," he said, "why should I be mayor when I'm already king!'" And indeed he was! He had so many realms in which he could bring forth his visions, what did he need with that sort of rulership? Those works done under his aegis have brought delight and wonder and inspiration to perhaps billions of people. And he's set it up such that continued works of that nature continue. Certainly, that's the best kind of kingship there is! Sunday, August 5, 2007 A "Lessons From the Past" 9:19am It's quite early and already I've had a busy morning. I've done the wash and we've gone grocery shopping. We also watched the DVD of A&E's biography of Cleopatra. As it explains, after Julius Caesar got reamed, his supporters rallied to support his cause, so now he's regarded as a hero. I guess it depends on whether one favors a republic or a monarchy, what the opinion is. No doubt, in any case, he was a skilled general in the art of war. Still, the Egyptians did not trust him. Not only that, his successor Octavian did much to spread anti-Egypt propaganda, more precisely lots of anti-Cleopatra propaganda. He felt incensed that Mark Antony took to her so. One thing was encouraging, however, that they really loved each other, and when Octavian offered her a chance to save herself if she offer up Antony, she refused. It seems to me that she did the best she could with all the options she had, such that she was an 'optimal behaviorist'. Rather than be paraded through the streets of Rome, and then killed, as was done to her sister Arsinoe, it was more honorable to take the snake bite. Death was inevitable in any case, and this way it could at least be on her own terms. I might attempt a drawing of her. Gradually, it seems I am relearning everything I learned in art school. For instance, in my original drawing of Julius Caesar, one eye is too low, and the mouth is messed up. You do not see it, for I fixed this in the digital version. But how can I avoid fouling the picture like this in the future? I must start with a delicate sketch to insure all elements are in proper proportion. I didn't really do that. I just started in with the heavy lines and the 'emotional' approach. All art is a balance, a dance not only between light and shadow and intuition and reason, but also emotion and intellect. But it is somewhat encouraging. I put the piece in the Movie art gallery, and took a look at the other pieces there. They seem half finished, with mangled eyes, oh so many of them are sad pieces, indeed. And then I thought of my overall goals at this time, "have I pushed this piece as far as I can push it?" I can see progress, which is encouraging. I do not know how good I might become, but I have hope that if I continue to practice, I will continue to see progress. There is so much to learn, and relearn (as I remember this was stressed in art school, to do the delicate line drawing of proportion first, doing shapes first, getting all that right first.) Why do I forget what I was taught and have to relearn it? Perhaps it's just the way I am. By the way, the drawing of Walt Disney has had no digital fixes on it, other than replacing him on the 11x14 page a little more nicely. (The web version has been cropped in the vertical element.) He's off to the upper left in the original, which might make a problem for framers. I hadn't thought of this aspect when I began drawing him, only to proportions of his face. Lessons from the past, lessons from dreams, I'd hoped to have such last night. I did have a dream, a hazy dream of a picture with outlines to it that I tried to print out. This reflects my attempt to print out the 'trio' picture for coloring. But alas, the ink is all gone in the cartridges. I must buy replacements. 56 and 57 are the HP numbers... I want a print on printer paper, for I'm going to use colored pencil to color the print out, but neatly within the borders. (And then I will scan it, enlarging it to the original size, and replace the black line drawing over it, keeping the lines at maximum crispness.) This way I hope to take a balance between the 'cold' feeling of the digital fill in coloring and the 'hot' expressive sprawling line and color throwing. The more I keep experimenting, the more I might learn. Sunday, August 5, 2007 B "'Collectibles'" 10:21pm I wasted a good chunk of time today just looking at catalogs and various online shopping places. I saw more brass doodads and various 'collectibles' than I ever have before in one day. After viewing some 5000 thumbnails, I now know we could buy aluminum blinds with brass fittings, brass door knockers in every shape imaginable from leaves to lions to dolphins and fancy little toppers for lampshades and... You get the idea. I'm not sure why I was looking, just to see if something irresistable caught my eye, I suppose. I did enjoy the vast array of Shiva statues I saw, and I looked in Wikipedia to learn about other Hindu deities. Some of the statues I saw were at a site called Dolls of India . All of that might have influenced the following intuitive drawing (cleaned up a bit digitally): The funny face also reminds me of the troll dolls I had when I was a kid! That's another item sought by 'collectors' these days. I'm not sure, but I still might have a couple of my old dolls. Monday, August 6, 2007 A "Collectibles, II" 6:40am I was reading about obsessive shopping and depression, and realized I'd had a taste of that yesterday. I didn't buy anything, as I must feel a strong connection to an item before I invest money in it. But I recognized the mild sort of depression that sent me aimlessly milling the 'Amazon malls'. The day started off with a flurry of activity. But then as the day wore on, not so much. I'd wanted to see a movie, but Julia did not, so we stayed home. I understood, and the movie will still be in the theaters next week. Then I wanted to get that printer cartridge, but could not summon enough energy to go on my own. Julia said, "go get it tomorrow after work." So I felt kind of 'drifty' and 'aimless'. Also, I admit it, I have a depressing timidity to try the new coloring idea with my trio picture. That also didn't energize me into going to Staples by myself. (As it turned out, Julia had just wanted to read her books, which she finished by Sunday evening. She reads amazingly fast.) But I didn't have enough gumption on my own to go to the store. And that was depressing, too. And I still have that ear infection, which is perplexing and, yes, a little depressing. Why won't it go away? So that's when the time wasting vague urge to go hunt brass collectibles took over. A little self knowledge, oh, what it reveals! Meanwhile, I will try the new coloring idea on my 'funny face' picture as a practice case. As this is a much simpler picture, it's a good beginning point... Monday, August 6, 2007 B "Triva" 10:35pm The print worked perfectly, only a tiny bit was clipped, which I just redrew. I not only did colored pencil, I experimented with watercolor pencils, to even out the grainy bits that I get from colored pencil. This works. Okay, some of the line overflows its borders, but I just fix it digitally! While I was at it, I decided to put a border around 'Triva' so she would fit nicely in an 11x14 inch frame. I'm pleased! Yes, it was a lot of worry for nothing. I mean, I could just go ahead and print another out to color if I had botched it irredeemably. When I showed Julia the initial drawing and the entry about it, she came up with the name 'Triva'. Northern mythology meets Eastern mythology to form 'Triva'. I had fun!

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