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For all except the 'upside down' one, Julia sat at the table behind me at the computer. For the one minute, we used the heating up of some tea as a timer, for the eight minute, Julia looked at the clock visible from where she sat. For the upside down, I had her lay down on the bed, and I positioned a stool where I could see her.
Sunday, August 10, 2008 A
"Trip Journal All Online!"
10:52am
I even did spell check on it! Start here to begin at the beginning.
Sunday, August 10, 2008 B
"Untitled Drawing"
10:03pm
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
"Strange Dream After a Blah Day"
6:43am
Waking early, eating healthy but tasty oatmeal that Julia made. I opted for the healthier choice over an omelet. Last
night, both of us felt so draggy and icky. Maybe it is the blahs after the first day back at work. I figure eating healthy will help.
Oh, what a nightmare I had! I was to go to a gathering of people for a conference type thing. But I had trouble getting on the plane. I didn't bring my ticket info and I also forgot my suitcase. I would be spending the whole conference in the same blouse, skirt and vest. Oh well. Then I missed the plane all together. But somehow I ended up at the conference anyway. I was at the hotel of the gathering, in the buffet line. I'd been at this hotel before, so they thought I'd paid the fees. But I hadn't. I was really piling my plate up, all sorts of green salads, some with shrimp, and then salmon and potatoes.
Next I was at the airport, and a plane was coming in to land. It crashed, and I thought, wow! I'm glad I'm not on that
plane. Apparently that would have been my plane back had I gone the plane route.
So next I just wandered the city, in a state of total shock. I jumped at the slightest noise, ducking for cover. I thought I heard another plane falling, so I ducked under a thick brick buildings walkway. I didn't know if I was safe there, if the plane crashing would just make the whole heavy building crash on top of me.
I woke up, feeling really bewildered by all that, and hoping there's been no plane crashes anywhere.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
"Dream - Drinkseller"
6:10am
I went to bed very early last night because my sinuses hurt so bad. I woke feeling somewhat better, after a strange dream.
In the first part of the dream, I was wandering with a group of three or four people. I was definitely far from home, but the destination was uncertain. A dark haired man, maybe in his thirties, told us, "I never travel anywhere without bringing my own water. You don't ever want to depend upon the local customs for something so important."
I'd done just that. I was next in a mall, and thirsty. I came upon a drink seller, and was curious about the bottle of green liquid he proffered:
"That is Ahh-h-kenahten, are you sure you want that?"
He looked a bit like Severus Snape and sounded a bit like Omar Shariff, but with more vowel spitting. I tasted it, despite his vague warning, and it was horrible. It was similar to a nasty peppermint schnapps, but worse. However, he gave no refunds!
And I was still thirsty. I woke up thirsty, glad for good water.
Thursday, August 14, 2008 A
"Wonder-Wander"
4:48am
I wake with lots of thoughts...
Maybe I will try 'stream of consciousness':
On this day of this awakening, I breathe in the still hot morning air, breathe it in deeply and quiet myself to see what
might arise. So many questions arise in me, like flowers on a hillside, buds now, but with the possibility of such blooming into what radiant colors, I cannot know.
Question no: 1: How is this, the effect of the rounded birth-body on me? In how many subtle ways does femaleness effect me?
I have the sense of my immortal bits as being omni-sexual, but here, rooted into earth, I am in a female body. Does this
effect the vision of my art? Would I draw differently if I were male? I think of the cozy domestic scenes of Mary Cassatt
versus the stormy ocean scenes of Winslow Homer.
Are females more apt to feel self-doubt than males? Or are we just more free to express self-doubt, it being no assault to a mantle of masculine strength?
And how have we caved in through history, in ways repeatedly, that might have not happened in such a way had we not conceded to male domination? (A point Julia made, 'we raise the children, sons and daughters, could we not train them differently?') And sad it is, in this year of the athletic contests, some countries do not even permit female athletes to join in.(And sadder yet, that is just a small part of it.)
I cannot know the whole of it, grasp it all in my mind's hands.
So I hold what I can, and think of what empowering images I can. In my favorite pantheon, Nuit (the Mother of the Gods) embraces us all, Ma'at (the beautiful, true and just) is given expression as a Goddess, Isis is the heart of magic and Sekhmet is the protective Mother.
We can choose better for ourselves as we join in the sacred dance and all dances.
I let the wispy dandelion fluff of other questions go now, they will, when remembered, take root for other musings. This morning, this wonder-wander is enough. The morning air is still hot, there are no breezes, but I always know the way home.
Thursday, August 14, 2008 B
"Wonder-Wander II"
5:52am
More sleep, I did try, but the house was too hot. The AC is on now, and the air seems more breathable.
It is funny in all of this meander, I think of my favorite deity, Set. Of all the gods, he is the most masculine. I like to imagine a pan-pantheon Olympics, and Set would be there, winning gold in every event, he of the 'Gold-town', tearing it up in track and field and thunder bolt tossing and...
...yet Set acknowledges his mother, he is 'Son of Nuit', and is within Ma'at and upholds Ma'at. He is nothing like the
dictionary definition of "god": "A being conceived as the perfect, omnipotent, omniscient
originator and ruler of the universe, the principal object of faith and
worship in monotheistic religions." (m-w.com)
Perhaps Setians give more to Set's role than Kemeticists do. (Maybe it is my imagination that it is Set at the beginning,
and there in the hidden aspects of Amun, etc. Yet there's a reason the gods are all holding Set's scepter, for his power is
in them all.) Most importantly you cannot know a deity solely by what the objective scholars of antiquities are able to draw forth from fragmented evidence.
And so I have my subjective experience. And it is a rich world of inner experience. You cannot judge my inner experience,
nor can I judge your inner experience. People may try, but no one can really know just what another is experiencing. I may infer by what so-and-so says, that his experience may be similar to mine. But it is only inference.
What people can judge, however, is how that subjective experience results in objective actions. I may think that it is Set
who gives the gift of consciousness awareness (the 'I AM'), the curiosity, the pride, the drive to survive, exceed, and drive past the boundaries of my limitations. But how does this manifest in real world accomplishments?
And so I, like the patient scarab, keep pushing 'the dung ball' up the hill of whatever resistance I experience, keep struggling, and know the real gold-prize is within.
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